How did we get here?

This is not the best picture but it is the best one we got of all three of them dressed up and ready for church. Lucas does not like to have his picture taken, still........ Of course I think they are all adorable :)
My mom got the boys these little shirts with ties and they think they are the greatest thing ever. Lane calls them his "preacher clothes" and tells me he is going to preach every time he puts them on. He thinks he wants to be a preacher now since Daddy is............ yep you read that right. You know I am a horrible blogger. I just don' t make the time to do it like I should.
Donny is a preacher, are you surprised? I wasn't, not really. He is not a Pastor of a church yet but he has been preaching when asked at different churches. He surrendered to the call publicly in January. It was a wonderful and emotional thing for me. I knew he was feeling it and knew it was God's will so I was thrilled.
Back in 04-05 when we lived in our home town we had a great church that we loved. We got plugged in and ended up working with the youth. Donny and a friend were the youth leaders and the friend's wife and I helped any way we could. That was such a fun and rewarding time. We loved working with the teens and they all have a special place in our hearts. We knew back then that Donny felt led by God to become a preacher. We talked about it a bit and he said yes he thought he felt it but he didn't think he could do it. (ha! how foolish were we? Like God wouldn't make it possible) So truthfully we kind of ran from it. (hey it is scary!) We had Lane, Donny got another, better paying job, we thought we were going to move and we ended up giving the youth group up. We had signed papers on a house closer to Donny's work, thought we had our house sold and all but then the sale of our house ended up not going through so we had to back out of the one we were buying. So we ended up not moving at that time but some others had stepped up and took over with the youth and honestly we weren't that involved in church any more. Sad and wrong, I know it but it is true, we were running remember?
In 2008 I was pregnant with the twins, we missed a lot of church, we had then moved out to the country (FAR out, I don't know what we were thinking) and the pregnancy was hard and I was so very sick. We weren't plugged in at all. We still had our Jesus and loved him but we were not putting him first. That is heartbreaking but true. Along comes 2 little babies along with our 2 yr old and we weren't leaving the house much at all those days. We were letting the devil win, we were putting everything else ahead of God.
I still had those thoughts of God calling Donny into the ministry in the back of my mind. I missed church, we tried to get back into it but it just didn't work out. We weren't living for Jesus. We weren't working on our relationship with God.
In 2009 we did end up moving closer to Donny's job. We bought a house next door to some friends that had strangely enough been our neighbors YEARS ago back in our home town. We now had no church. We were wondering around in the wilderness, just like the people of Israel in the Old Testament. We knew how great God was, we had felt His mercies and blessings. We knew He had plans for us but yet we wondered........
Our neighbor/friend has 3 girls and it seemed like every time we saw them, those girls would ask us about church. "Mrs. Brooke why don't you come to our church? Why are you staying home?" Let me tell ya, nothing makes you feel worse than kids knowing where you should be when you aren't smart enough to get your crap together and go there yourself. So we let them guilt us in to going a few times. We finally joined but it still took us a lot of time to get plugged in. Honestly I always had it in the back of my mind, wondering about God's plan for us. I didn't think His calling for Donny was just going to go away. I sometimes would look at Donny and wonder why he had ran. Why did he let our family get away from church? That was not healthy. It was not Donny for the most part, it was me. I was the one saying, "It is just so hard with the kids being so little. We will do it when they are a little older, " etc.... It was ME. I am to blame for most of it and I know that. He did try, I failed as a wife, mother and christian. I know that. It bothers me still even though I know I have been forgiven.
You see I was made to be Donny's helper. When I married him I took on that role. I am to support and encourage him and I failed miserably. I let my fears for our future get in the way of God's plan for us. It has taken me a long time to realize this but now I know it's true. So I have hit my knees. I have spent a lot of time in prayer, praying to be a better wife, a better helper. Praying to let my husband always be the leader of our family, the way it should be. I trust him completely.
I have had many people ask me if I knew God was working on Donny to join the ministry and I tell them yes but I don't tell them the whole story. I knew it for years, I knew it back when we were running. I knew it was in his heart, I knew God had put it there. I remember looking at him sometimes and wondering, when.....When was he going to get back to that place? When was he going to let God tell him His plans again? Or better yet when was he going to listen? I kept my mouth shut though because I didn't want to push him. When he felt it again I wanted it to be him feeling it from God, not me pushing it on him. I knew God wasn't done with him. So I decided to work harder on me. I started really reading my Bible and trying to apply it to my life, in every way. I didn't want to read it as a story, I wanted to read it as a instruction manual for my life. I know Donny had to wonder what had gotten into me. I was wanting to have Bible study together instead of watching tv. I was finally listening to him when I turned on the radio in the van and he'd ask to listen to the Christian channel and not something else, which before would bug me. I wasn't "getting" it. I didn't realize God was working on Donny again and me, just separately. I remember being so annoyed when Donny would complain about the music I was listening to, it was JUST country music. Now I see how hardened my heart was and it makes me sad.
God is stronger than little ol' stubborn me though. He wouldn't leave me alone, He knew I was one of his children that He had saved years before and that I had just been wondering on my own, like an idiot. So the Bible got read, every night, no tv, no me reading a stupid book, it was us reading together, talking about all of our stupid decisions we had made because it was US making them without God's insight. I remember thinking, it's coming, I know it's coming. I knew God was working on Donny so strong. We were finally plugged into our church and it felt so good. Donny was once again unhappy with his work, not because it's not a good job, it is a great job, but because it is not leading people to God. It is not doing God's work.
Donny started writing devotionals and sending them out to co-workers. He put a lot of thought into it and loved doing it. It was the only thing that made him happy, as far as work goes. It made me happy to see him so happy. I just stood back and watched with a smile. God is so good. Finally we talked about it. He told me what he was feeling, I told him I knew. :) We prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed..... He talked to our old pastor, our new pastor, our associate pastor. He didn't tell anyone until he was sure that it was preaching that the Lord wanted him to do, there are many other VERY important jobs and I think he was kind of holding on to that thinking, maybe it was one of those things but it wasn't. It was preaching, he finally came forth before our church and told everyone. We were showered with hugs, well wishes and prayers. Our preacher told him he could preach in a week and a half on a Sunday night....that was scary! It ended up being Super bowl Sunday, that calmed our nerves a bit, we thought a lot of people may miss, we were wrong! HAHA! Most everyone from church came, along with a lot of our family to hear Donny's first sermon and show us their love and support. God got him through it though as we knew He would. He is now in seminary and we travel and he preaches where he is asked. It feels good to not be wondering anymore and to be listening to what God wants and putting Him first. God is so good to love us through our wondering and our ignorance. He never stopped loving us and He never moved away, we did. He is always there for us and we just need to let Him be there and first in line above all else.

Ask and you shall receive

We had a wonderful Christmas. Here are the kids blowing out the candles on the birthday cake that we baked for Jesus. This is one of the traditions that we have started with our kids to do every year for Christmas. When teaching them that Christmas was about celebrating Jesus' birth they said, "He needs a birfday cake!" so now He gets a birthday cake every year. They love it and we enjoy singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. We decided we would not do Santa Clause. We just didn't want it to be about him. My kids still got gifts and had plenty of fun. I just get sick of all the Santa hype and that is not what it is about to our family. This did upset some people close to us but they got over it. I think they quickly realized that Christmas can be enjoyed without Santa.
Have I blogged about adoption on here? Hmmm I don't remember. I know I stink at blogging. Life just gets in the way, and that is okay, but I do want to do better. Back in the summer after MUCH prayer we felt like God was telling us to add to our family through adoption of foster child/children. I prayed for a while, then came to Donny about it and we both prayed. When we both said yes that we felt like it was something we are suppose to do I talked with a friend of mine online that has been through it. She got me in touch with a sweet lady from The CALL in Arkansas and I found out that while we had missed the information meeting that they do that makes things SOOO much easier for you, that she, being the sweet lady she is could come over and talk with us, give us the paper work and we could get things rolling. So we met, got the paper work and ran around like crazy people the next day to get all of the papers notarized, fingerprints taken, etc to turn in THAT day so we could be signed up for the training coming up. It all came together beautifully though. We ran all over town with our 3 kids in tow and when people doing the notarizing and fingerprinting, etc saw what we were doing it for they all wondered which of those 3 kids we were adopting :) haha Nope those already belong to us.
I suppose it is unheard of to want more than 3 kids, lol. Well we didn't get that memo.
So we got that done, went through the training which takes 2 weekends, of full day training and have been waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting, trying to be patient. I am not so good at being patient. I pray for patience and please don't say, "NOOO never pray for patience! If you do that the Lord will give you hard times to make you patient!" I say poo on that. God knows my prayers before they are spoken, he knows what I need, if I need trials to make me patient than so be it :) (I do have two 3 yr olds and one 5 yr old, so plenty of chances)
So as time goes on I start to worry. Worrying is a sin that I struggle with, daily, hourly, by the minute....... Can I handle more children? Can we afford more children? What if something happens to me? We already have 3 children that someone would have to care for but to add to it, is that ok? What if something happened to Donny, would I go nuts? Are my children going to be able to handle having more brothers/sisters? Even though they are very excited and want more children in the family very badly. Will Donny and I EVER get alone time again? and much, much more. I still worry. I do. I hate it but I do.
So I prayed. I spent a nap time in prayer asking for God's help. Asking if this was truly God's will would He let me know, because we felt so strongly it was in the beginning but after months of waiting you begin to wonder. I prayed that His will be done. That evening when Donny came in he brought in the mail as always and announced, "Our CPR certified cards came in." I giggled and said, "Well maybe that is my sign," then told him of my struggle and my praying. With a big smile and laugh Donny said, "Oh you will love what else we got today then," and he laid a paper for an orphanage called "All God's Children" down and the bar. Ask and you shall receive I suppose :)
We have our first home study scheduled for Thursday so I ask for your prayers. I am very nervous and excited at the same time. I am mostly nervous that the social worker will see my children jumping all over me and run away saying no way do you need more. God has a plan for us though. I think He has a special child that is meant to be with our family, maybe more than one :)

Give me a smile

Do you SEE what I have to work with? In their defense, while taking the first one up there I told them if they didn't smile they wouldn't get any presents for Christmas. Yep I did. So what I got was the "Home Alone" scared faced from Lexi, a terrified looking smile from Lane, and a huge laugh from Lucas because he has already figured out that Momma is a total softy and doesn't mean half of what she says and he will always win me over with that smile.....Yep he's right. I asked for a hug in the 3rd one and Lexi just went with it. We did end up with a picture that was suitable to send my grandma and I went with it. While I love the craziness that is them, grandma just doesn't seem to appreciate the stuck out tongue as much as I do, poor grandma.
I had a lot more fun trying to get a good picture this year than years past. I have realized the older they get the easier it is, for the most part. Lucas still hates having his picture taken at all, Lexi now thinks she is a model and gives me crazy faces or fake cheesy smiles, but Lane does pretty good. He lost his first tooth a couple of days after I took these and looks oh so cute now, kinda wish that was in the Christmas picture as a memory but it's ok I have taken plenty of pictures of it already.
We are now in the stages of fighting over every toy they own, EVERY time I turn my back or go to the bathroom someone hits someone, takes a toy from someone or is just looking at them wrong. True story- today while I snuck away for a bathroom break I heard, "Why are you looking at me............Lucas I said why are you looking at me? Stop. I am going to tell Momma!" Yep apparently it is now a no no to look at each other. So of course hearing this I start laughing and give my hiding spot away......... These are the things you have to laugh at and remind yourself that it will only be like this for a short time. It is definitely worth it, all of it.
Just when you start to worry that they can no longer stand each other and will hate each other forever something seems to happen to show you otherwise. For example, last night after being put to bed both boys decided they HAD to potty ONE more time. Lane ended up in the master bathroom and Lucas in the front, Lexi was in bed. Lexi is yelling "MOMMA I gotta tell you sumtin'!" for the 439,689 time so I am walking to her room when we hear Lucas screaming. For some reason he decided he needed to lift the seat on the potty to sit down to go................I have no idea why..............but yea he fell in.............and Donny and I laughed hysterically. Poor Lucas was very upset but Donny and I just could not stop laughing. Don't judge, he was fine and it was funny. What made it even funnier is when big brother Lane came running to the rescue trying to get his pants up as fast as he can, with a look of terror on his face asking, "what's wrong, what's wrong with Lucas?" Then a little prissy girl jumps out of bed and comes running, "what happened to my brudder Lucas?" They were so concerned for the screaming Lucas and Donny and I got looks of "and your suppose to be the ones taking care of us?" thrown in there but we just laughed and I smiled because that little moment showed me the love they truly have for one another. Even though they fuss and fight and act like crazy people sometimes, they love one another and want to protect each other, and get mad at their crazy laughing parents.

Happy Birthday little ones

Not long ago I had three children under the age of three. I remember it very well, it was crazy, it was hard, but it was worth it. Saturday the BABIES turned 3 years old. The babies is what I will call them for the rest of their lives probably. They will always be my babies. So now I have a 5 year old and two 3 year olds, which is just crazy to think about. My children are growing up way to fast. It really does fly by. The first few months of no sleep, spit up covered clothing and way to many diapers to count is now but a blur.
Lucas is my most independent child, even more so than his big brother. I hear "I do it myself!" all day from him. He is his Daddy's mini-me and I love that. I love his little sweet face that is so so babyish to me. I love those blue eyes that light up when he talks about "Tinman" from The Wizard of Oz. I love that smile and the way he sticks his tongue out while he is working on something. He is my youngest, my baby and even though he is the most independent one he is also likes to play his role as the baby. He loves sharing a room with his big brother and if big brother is gone to Nana's or Meme's house for the night he has to sleep in Lane's bed. He loves hugs and kisses. He will tell you if he wants you to kiss him or if he wants to be the one to kiss you. There IS a difference to him. If he is going to be the kisser you can NOT pucker your lips out because that means you kissed him, lol. I love that. Lucas is rough and wild. We are so thankful for our baby boy and all of his craziness.
Lexi is my girlie girl. She is sassy, can have an attitude, but can be sweet as candy too. She loves her brothers but has figured out how to take care of herself and doesn't take anything off the boys! She loves to have her hair fixed and to wear pretty dresses. Lexi is shy when you first meet her, hiding behind my legs but once you are around her a while she loves showing off. She loves big squeezing hugs and kisses. Lexi loves for me to hold her, she would sit on my lap all day if I would let her. School time is her favorite part of the day. She loves hearing me teach and drawing pictures. She is motherly when she isn't fighting with the boys. She will rub Lucas' head when he is sleepy. She wants a sister so badly and asks for one all the time. She loves her brothers but wants someone that will play something other than dinosaurs, even though she does enjoy playing dinosaurs. She is our Princess and we are so thankful for her.
They are growing up so fast and I want to try to enjoy it all. I get caught up in all of the household things that have to be done and forget to sit and enjoy sometimes. I am happiest when I am sitting and watching them play nicely together, hearing their little stories they come up with for each dinosaur or barbie. Seeing them chase each other running from some invisible monster or a big brother with a blanket on his head. These are the things that I love most.

Happy Thanksgiving- yes it's late but it's me

Yes I am a blogging slacker who only blogs occasionally. I know this. But I always have cute pics when I blog, that makes up for it, right? Yea okay. We learned about Pilgrims and Indians right before and right after Thanksgiving. Here are two of my little Indians, the third one was crying on the couch over glue, yep glue. I was planning on teaching it all before but we had a horrible stomach virus sweep in the week of Thanksgiving so it didn't happen. Yes I was sick ON THANKSGIVING, that is just sad. I ate a grilled cheese for my Thanksgiving lunch. A. GRILLED. CHEESE. The kids were mostly better by then so my awesome mother in law agreed to risk getting the horrible horrible stomach virus (so thankful for that) and took them to her house that evening so they didn't have to see me so very sick and so that Donny could take care of me.
So back to the learning- I taught about the Pilgrims. About how they left their country because they weren't allowed to worship God, pray and read their Bible how they wanted. (I was teaching a 5 yr old and two 2 yr olds so it was pretty basic) My 5 yr old stops me and ASKS if he can say a prayer. Yes my jaw dropped. I didn't even think he was truly listening to me. His prayer, "Jesus thank you that we can pray, read our Bible and go to church. And thank you for Jesus dying on the cross! Jesus name Amen!" I had tears in my eyes. That right there made it all worth it. All of the fights to get him to do schoolwork and feeling like I was beating my head against a brick wall. All of the days when that school directly across the street from my house looked so good because homeschooling IS hard work. It is not all rainbows and butterflies. Getting to teach my child about Jesus Christ, how people love Him, how we should love Him is worth it all and so very priceless. One thing I am very thankful for is being able to homeschool my children and teach them the things that are important to our family.

Here I go again........

I love this man. Sure we have our ups and downs, our arguments, our grumpy times but I love him to pieces. He is a great loving man that loves me at my worst. Right now I am at the highest weight of my life. I hate it. I hate looking like this and feeling like this. It just plain stinks! So here I go again on a weight loss journey. I am going to attempt Weight Watchers again. I don't go to their meetings or anything, I just do it on my own. I do believe the meetings would help but I am so shy and so busy. I just don't have the time or the nerve. I tried this a few months ago and failed miserably. I lost 13 lbs and then stopped. Those sweets were just calling my name. I got sick of eating a different meal than my family. I just didn't have the will power. I am praying this time that I will. I am so unhappy with myself.
I broke down to Donny yesterday. Told him how I feel. He was so sweet. I told him that it makes me sick to look in the mirror. I don't even feel like it is me I am seeing but sadly it is. I don't want to see that person any more. I told him that I feel like such a failure and have no idea how I have let it get this out of hand. His reply, "You take care of everyone else but yourself. " Bingo and just another reason I love him. That is the truth. I have to make time out for myself to work out. Have to not want to. If I keep going like this I feel like I will die at a very young age. While I can't wait to meet sweet Jesus one day, I do not want to leave my husband or precious children right now. I want to raise my children. I want to be active in their lives. I don't want to be on the side lines with my bad knee and big belly. I want to be up doing right along with them.
When your 5 yr old starts worrying about getting a big belly and you ask why then he tells you it's because you have a big belly, it hurts. "I don't want a big belly like you Momma!" That just plain hurts. He doesn't mean anything by it. It is just the truth. I don't want it either son. So here I am, eating a banana instead of the chocolate chips I really want. Praying that this time I will change my lifestyle forever and get thin and healthy.

Think before you judge

I can remember before Donny and I seeing kids acting out in public before we had kids and us judging, saying "No way will MY child ever act that way!" "That kid needs a good spanking!" "Look at those parents, it's obviously all their fault!" Oh how we have ate those words. The truth is some children are just different. Some children a spanking will not help. Some parents do everything possible and feel like failures when their child behaves those bad ways, even if they know it is truly not their fault. They love their child more than anything on Earth and you thinking those bad thoughts and giving those bad looks don't help. They hurt. They hurt the child and the parent. This is Lane. Our 5 yr old that has a heart of gold. Our cuddle bug, our "Momma I love to the letter O", sweet, sweet boy. Lane looks like a normal 5 yr old boy, maybe a bit big for his age but he's not. It is hard for a parent to admit that, very hard. You just want your child to be like other kids "normal" but with tears in my eyes, I admit that he is not.
Lane is learning to read, write, and is very smart. He loves animals and can tell you many facts about different animals. He has a better sense of direction than me. Lane is full of love and we love him deeply.
We have had him checked out for autism, the doctor said no way. We thought ADHD but that didn't quite fit. A friend pointed me in the direction of Sensory Processing Disorder and I am thinking this may be it. It is not a well known thing really so it can be hard to diagnose, not that I am really worried about a diagnosis. I just want to help him. I just want him to be happy with life and with himself. I just don't want to feel like we are hitting a wall so often. So I am researching and trying to find ways to help him and us. I don't even know why I am writing this. I just thought maybe it would make others think before labeling a child "bad." Lane is not bad. He just can not handle his emotions or calm himself down. He is not acting out because it feels good, because believe me it doesn't. He hates it. He hates that he gets so angry over little things, or that he freaks out over a little dot on his finger nail, that is not fun. He is not trying to be mean. He doesn't want to make you mad. He isn't going against you. He just can't handle it. I know people without children or even some with those easy children may still not understand but maybe they will think about it. Maybe they won't judge him or our parenting. Maybe when they see him crying hysterically over small, simple things they won't turn their noses up at him and you and wonder "why don't they just spank him?" You could spank him until he couldn't walk and all you would accomplish was 1. making him more upset 2. making him feel worse about himself. Because he already does feel bad about himself. He now notices that he is different. He notices that the other kids can do things he can not. He notices that the other adults aren't as nice to him as they may be to other kids. He is not ignorant by any means. He knows all of this and he hates it. He hates that he can't just be like the other kids, he hates that he is different. He doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't enjoy the other kids making fun of him or always leaving him out. He hates it.
It as easy as his parents to get frustrated too. Believe me. We are FAR from perfect. Sometimes you just want to go and do things and not have to worry about all of those silly little things but you have to. You avoid going places because you don't want people to treat him badly. You miss birthday parties that he's invited to because you know the kids will be mean to him because he is different. You only have a few select friends that you know will understand and not think he's awful or that you are an awful parent for that matter. Your heart breaks when your child tries something and says "I can't do it. I can never do it Mom," and hangs their sweet little head in shame. You try to give them encouragement and love. You want them to learn to do things the right way but sometimes you let them do it their way just so you don't make them lose all confidence once again. I'm saying it's hard. You homeschool. You homeschool because you don't want them to go into their school life labeled as a "bad kid" just because they are so different. You know they are fully capable of learning, even if it's in a little different way. You have seen how people treat them, adults included. You don't want them to get all of that negativity when they are already so fragile. Nobody understands, very few do anyways. You feel like your little family is alone in this world. It's hard but you love your child unconditionally and want to do what is best for them, even though sometimes you don't know what is best. Do you sign them up for soccer just for them to have fun with it, even though they have no idea how to play? Or do you not because he may make another parent angry with his lack of skill and knowledge? Do you let him go the swimming party when all of the other kids can swim but he still holds on to you in fear? Or do you keep him home so he won't feel like a failure once again when the other kids laugh and tease, or even the adults? What do you do? We don't always know. You get mean looks, you get rude comments, you get frustrated yourself but you love. You love unconditionally. You hug, you kiss, you say "it's ok try again." Do you tell people of his issues or do you throw him into situations and pray he does ok and gets by? Will people think you are just exaggerating when you tell them things and that he really doesn't have a problem, he's just a brat or will people be caring and understanding of his limitations? We don't have all of the answers. We fail, get up and try again. We love him and know how great he is, we just want others to be able to see that too.