I can remember before Donny and I seeing kids acting out in public before we had kids and us judging, saying "No way will MY child ever act that way!" "That kid needs a good spanking!" "Look at those parents, it's obviously all their fault!" Oh how we have ate those words. The truth is some children are just different. Some children a spanking will not help. Some parents do everything possible and feel like failures when their child behaves those bad ways, even if they know it is truly not their fault. They love their child more than anything on Earth and you thinking those bad thoughts and giving those bad looks don't help. They hurt. They hurt the child and the parent. This is Lane. Our 5 yr old that has a heart of gold. Our cuddle bug, our "Momma I love to the letter O", sweet, sweet boy. Lane looks like a normal 5 yr old boy, maybe a bit big for his age but he's not. It is hard for a parent to admit that, very hard. You just want your child to be like other kids "normal" but with tears in my eyes, I admit that he is not.Lane is learning to read, write, and is very smart. He loves animals and can tell you many facts about different animals. He has a better sense of direction than me. Lane is full of love and we love him deeply.
We have had him checked out for autism, the doctor said no way. We thought ADHD but that didn't quite fit. A friend pointed me in the direction of Sensory Processing Disorder and I am thinking this may be it. It is not a well known thing really so it can be hard to diagnose, not that I am really worried about a diagnosis. I just want to help him. I just want him to be happy with life and with himself. I just don't want to feel like we are hitting a wall so often. So I am researching and trying to find ways to help him and us. I don't even know why I am writing this. I just thought maybe it would make others think before labeling a child "bad." Lane is not bad. He just can not handle his emotions or calm himself down. He is not acting out because it feels good, because believe me it doesn't. He hates it. He hates that he gets so angry over little things, or that he freaks out over a little dot on his finger nail, that is not fun. He is not trying to be mean. He doesn't want to make you mad. He isn't going against you. He just can't handle it. I know people without children or even some with those easy children may still not understand but maybe they will think about it. Maybe they won't judge him or our parenting. Maybe when they see him crying hysterically over small, simple things they won't turn their noses up at him and you and wonder "why don't they just spank him?" You could spank him until he couldn't walk and all you would accomplish was 1. making him more upset 2. making him feel worse about himself. Because he already does feel bad about himself. He now notices that he is different. He notices that the other kids can do things he can not. He notices that the other adults aren't as nice to him as they may be to other kids. He is not ignorant by any means. He knows all of this and he hates it. He hates that he can't just be like the other kids, he hates that he is different. He doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't enjoy the other kids making fun of him or always leaving him out. He hates it.
It as easy as his parents to get frustrated too. Believe me. We are FAR from perfect. Sometimes you just want to go and do things and not have to worry about all of those silly little things but you have to. You avoid going places because you don't want people to treat him badly. You miss birthday parties that he's invited to because you know the kids will be mean to him because he is different. You only have a few select friends that you know will understand and not think he's awful or that you are an awful parent for that matter. Your heart breaks when your child tries something and says "I can't do it. I can never do it Mom," and hangs their sweet little head in shame. You try to give them encouragement and love. You want them to learn to do things the right way but sometimes you let them do it their way just so you don't make them lose all confidence once again. I'm saying it's hard. You homeschool. You homeschool because you don't want them to go into their school life labeled as a "bad kid" just because they are so different. You know they are fully capable of learning, even if it's in a little different way. You have seen how people treat them, adults included. You don't want them to get all of that negativity when they are already so fragile. Nobody understands, very few do anyways. You feel like your little family is alone in this world. It's hard but you love your child unconditionally and want to do what is best for them, even though sometimes you don't know what is best. Do you sign them up for soccer just for them to have fun with it, even though they have no idea how to play? Or do you not because he may make another parent angry with his lack of skill and knowledge? Do you let him go the swimming party when all of the other kids can swim but he still holds on to you in fear? Or do you keep him home so he won't feel like a failure once again when the other kids laugh and tease, or even the adults? What do you do? We don't always know. You get mean looks, you get rude comments, you get frustrated yourself but you love. You love unconditionally. You hug, you kiss, you say "it's ok try again." Do you tell people of his issues or do you throw him into situations and pray he does ok and gets by? Will people think you are just exaggerating when you tell them things and that he really doesn't have a problem, he's just a brat or will people be caring and understanding of his limitations? We don't have all of the answers. We fail, get up and try again. We love him and know how great he is, we just want others to be able to see that too.
