My road to motherhood.......this will be long!!!

On September 7, 2002 I became Brooke White. It was 3 days after my 18th bday! We just couldn't wait to be married. Shortly after I began to experience some womanly problems and went to the dr. about them. He told me I had endometrious and had it pretty badly. He said I may not be able to have children and if I wanted a chance I should have them then. This was heartbreaking to me! All my life I wanted children. My dream was to be a mom. I didn't have big career goals I wanted to be a wife and mother the most! So I went home hysterical and told Donny. Donny said there was no way we could have kids then. We were REALLY poor. I mean really. Looking back I have no idea how we made it, but we did. We lived off of Hamburger Helper I think, haha. To this day we both remember the kind we ate so often, cheesey enchilada, I no longer buy it. Neither of us would be able to eat it bc we ate it so much then! Donny being the sensible man he is told me it was ok. He said there was no way we could have kids then, but if we weren't able to one day, we would just adopt. We both knew we could love a child that wasn't our biological child just as much as one that was. I was upset but knew he was right. Unless the kid had come out able to eat Cheesey Enchilada Hamburger Helper we couldn't afford it. So we put those dreams on the back burner. I went to Cosmetology school and Donny finished college. Finally after Donny had a better job and I had one as a hairdresser he agreed to try for a baby! I was so thrilled! This was in Nov. of ' 04 I do believe, although the years all just run together for me now. So we tried for 3 months and much to our delight I got pregnant! We were so thrilled. All of our families were thrilled. It was wonderful. I went to the dr right away and had an ultrasound. We saw the little sac, the baby was to small to see then, I believe I was 6 weeks (?) that could be off a little. So the days went by, we were both living in a bubble. I was getting horrible morning sickness but I was so happy I didn't mind. I had a little spotting one time but the dr said it was fine as long as it was so little. Weeks go by......... I am about to enter my 2nd trimester which is when you hear it becomes so much safer so I was thrilled. I had been so worried the whole time that something bad would happen. In the mean time we had found a church we liked and felt we belonged to. Since the time we got married we had always said we wanted to be in church but we never took the time to find one. When I got pregnant I decided then was the time. I wanted our child to have a church home and us to have a church family, I knew it was a very important thing. Plus I was just so thankful for my little bean that I wanted to praise God in his house! We decided to join the church and I got baptized into the church, I was already saved but I had never took the next step and gotten baptized. So one lovely Sunday morning I took the step and did. It was so wonderful. I felt it was even more special bc I had my baby with me :)
The next day I had a dr.'s appt. I was so glad be it seemed like it had been forever since I had been. I was about 11 weeks then. The dr. decided to do an ultrasound to see how the baby was doing. As he was looking I could see the concerned look on his face. It freaked me out of course. So I started studying the u/s machine. I could see on the top of the screen where it says the size the baby was measuring and it said 6 weeks and something.......... but I was over 11 weeks. I sat there knowing something was wrong but not wanting to hear it. The dr. told me the baby had stopped growing. My heart broke. Donny was there for me and held me. I truly have a wonderful husband. He was my rock. He was so saddened too and let me know but he was there for me like I could have never imagined. The dr. told me to come back in a week so we could see if it got any bigger in that time. I knew it wouldn't I knew that my baby had gone to be with the Lord. This was by far the worst experience in my life so far. I was so heartbroken. I was still having morning sickness btw, which would make me very mad since my baby wasn't even living. I guess I still had the hormones in my body strong enough to make me sick??? Anyways I cried more than I knew I could. I had already loved my child deeply and wanted him or her so badly. I didn't understand why this happened to us. We were trying to live right, we were getting closer to God. Why did this happen to us? I had so much pity on myself for so long. Our preacher ended up sending someone to talk to me who had basically experienced the same thing. She made me feel so much better. Listening to her and talking to her about my baby and her talking about her baby was wonderful. Donny and the rest of my family were wonderful too. Donny was a better husband than I could have ever thought. He made me stop thinking why me...he made me turn to the Lord. It was as if Donny carried me in his arms to the arms of the Lord. The Lord was the one I needed. He helped Donny and I both through that horrible time. We leaned on each other a lot but mostly on the Lord. I now believe that we had to go through that to bring us closer to the Lord. I do not have any resentment to him for that, he knows what is best.
I went back the next week knowing my baby was gone, the dr. confirmed it. I had to end up having a procedure done to have the baby removed bc my body wouldn't miscarry on its own. I remember going into the operating room and crying hysterically. All I could think about was what was about to be done. How anyone could ever get an abortion, I don't know. I turned to the Lord again and he helped me through it.
So a little time went by and we decided to try again. It was hard to make that decision. I was so afraid the same thing would happen again. Donny helped me through my fears though. This time my body wasn't working right. I wasn't ovulating at all on my own. So nothing was happening. I ended up having to take clomid and doing all the temp charting stuff, that is not the most romantic way to conceive a baby but hey you do what you gotta do! 4 months later we found out I was pregnant again! We were thrilled, nervous of course but thrilled! By this time I had a different job, working as a teller at the bank. I had actually just started earlier that month. Not the best thing to happen your first month at a new job but oh well, we were thrilled. I had made a wonderful friend that lived across the street. She was a young mother of 2 that was crazy as can be. She also worked at the bank as a teller. She was very loving and kind. So off to the dr. again. We went for u/s every week this time and got to see our little bean grow! I said GROW! I did have a cyst that was growing too though. The dr. was very concerned about it. He said it was probably caused my the meds I had to take to conceive. He said it should shrink soon so not to worry. Every week I went back and the baby was growing but so was the cyst. The dr. said that I would need surgery to remove it if it didn't start to shrink. My heart dropped! Could that harm my baby? I was in a lot of pain a lot of the time but if I could carry my baby while having the cyst I said I would. I would deal with the pain in order to have a healthy baby. He said no that I couldn't do that bc it was to large. By this time the baby was still tiny but the cyst was the size of a softball. My belly was protruding a lot bc of the cyst. I looked much farther along than I was. Of course I was worried. The dr. said that there was a small window of time that the surgery would be safest to remove the cyst. He said it was likely I would lose one ovary and not be able to have more children with one ovary and my other problems. We kept praying. My new friend talked to me and helped me a lot. She prayed for me all the time and told me it would all work out. She had a wonderful trust in the Lord. She made me stronger in my relationship with the Lord too. Donny was still there being wonderful and encouraging too of course, I love that man. My parents were great through it all too. If anyone were more worried than me it was my parents. They were worried for my baby but most of all for their baby, me. We had been told that it could be dangerous if the cyst burst bc of it's location or something, I don't know I didn't really listen to that part, it wasn't me I was worried about. I hadn't even thought about my life, the danger I could be in for that wasn't important. I was fastly approaching my 14 week, the time period that the surgery would be safest. My new friend came over one day after work, knowing how worried I was and she asked if we could pray. She said "I want us to touch your belly and pray for this baby. I know God is going to answer our prayers! I know you and your baby are going to be okay." So we did. She led the prayer. I was in tears. It touched me that she cared so much. That is when I formed a bond that I will always have with her, no matter what. Her faith touched me. Donny and I prayed a lot too, our church family and my gma's also was praying for us. When I went to the Dr. again he sat me down and told me that he was pretty certain that we would scheduling the surgery for the next week. He said we would do an u/s to make sure but he just couldn't see it being any other way. I got up on that table and prayed. I prayed for God to take that cyst away. I prayed for God to give me strength if I did have to have the surgery and for my baby to be a fighter and survive it. I looked at the Dr.'s face as he rubbed the thing over my belly time and time again. He looked concerned. I was scared again. Then he said, "I can't believe it. It has shrunk so small that I can barely see it now. I don't know how this happened but no surgery is needed. It will not be a problem at all now!" My dr. could not believe it, he didn't know what happened! I did! God did it! I told him that I had a lot of ppl praying for me and obviously it worked! My pregnancy went by and on April 25th Lane Alan White was born. The delivery was a fast c-section bc his heart rate kept dropping with every contraction I had. Lane was healthy though, 7 lbs. 6 oz. 21 inches long with fuzzy red hair. He was so precious. I was taken into the recovery room after being sewn up and wasn't suppose to see Lane for a few hours while I rested and he was cleaned up and stuff. Lane had different plans however. I was laying there in the recovery room and a nurse came to me, she said I am sorry to bother you, I know you are in pain but we can not get your baby to calm down. He is screaming and will not stop. Is it alright if we bring him to you to see if you can calm him down? Half out of it I said yes. A few minutes later I hear a screaming baby that was VERY loud, might I add. It was my little bundle of joy. He already had that red-head temper that he gets from his Poppa (my dad). Donny was with the nurse and looked so proud. He smiled at me as the nurse placed the little screaming baby into my arms. I held him close and touched him softly and he stopped crying right away. He just wanted his Momma. That really touched my heart. He was perfectly content then. Donny asked could he hold him, I said of course he's YOURS! Donny had a smile from ear to ear. That was a wonderful day...................................
Eleven months later we decide it is time for a new addition. We decided to try on our own for a while without the help of Dr.'s or drugs to see if it would happen. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months........ finally we decided I should go to a Dr. I went to a new Dr. this time bc I didn't care for the last one to much. I loved the new Dr. he told me that no doubt I would need medication this time to get pregnant too. Donny and I discussed it and decided we would do it again despite the risk of the cysts, it was worth it in the end. I ended up taking the medication for 5 months this time. Every month I would take a test or two to see if I was pregnant bc my period wasn't really coming on it's own, I would have to take medication for that too usually. Finally when we had been trying for 13 months I told Donny that I knew I was getting pregnant this month. Something was different about this month and I just KNEW it was going to happen. Donny told not to get my hopes up to high. We talked about what we would do if I couldn't get pregnant with the meds this time. I looked into other options. We couldn't afford to adopt and I was so afraid we'd get a baby and then have it taken away from us. That is a big fear I had. I discovered there was another way, I won't go into details but it causes a greater chance of multiples. I told Donny about it and he said that we needed to decide if it was worth it to us. He said he could love 100 kids so it was great by him, have I mentioned I love this man? So that was the plan. I decided the next time I saw my Dr. I would ask about that procedure if I didn't get pregnant that month. I didn't have to though. The time of the month when I could test was coming again and so was Lane's 2nd bday. We had started this journey a month before his first bday and here we were about to celebrate his 2nd. That got me down. I decided I would take the test on his actual bday for fun. I did and this time it was positive! I could barely see the line but new it was there, I was an expert at reading the tests after all of them I had taken! Donny was of course thrilled! We told all of our parents that day, on Lane's 2nd bday. What a wonderful day April 25th is for us. Our first born was born that day and our second and third were discovered on that day! I went to the dr a couple weeks later. I was a little over 5-6 weeks then I believe. We were full of emotions, happy, nervous, anxious. The u/s tech couldn't see anything good that time and asked me to come back the next week. Oh the torture. I was so afraid. We went back the next week and much to our surprise she told us that she saw 2 possibly 3 sacs! It didn't even register with me really. All I kept thinking was that I should get a healthy baby out of this, not really believing I'd actually have more than one. I had to come back the next week and they said there were definitely 2 healthy looking sacs. Everyone asks how Donny took it, it took it wonderfully! He had a huge smile on his face. I think he took it better than me. My mind ran wild about diapers, formula and bills! I believe to this day that God waited until we agreed that multiples would be ok if we really wanted another child, remember we were thinking of doing the other procedure that could likely lead to multiples. My pregnancy went by slow. I got HUGE! It was very challenging taking care of Lane, in the end I had some help at times which was very much needed. I needed more than I was able to get though. Lane watched me throw up over and over again. To this day when he sees me holding a bowl he comes up and acts like he is throwing up in it. He thinks that is what you do, poor kid. I did the best I could. It was hard, I won't lie. I thought it would never end. I had a dream in the beginning that it was boy/girl twins and I was right. I just knew it was! That was just perfect to me, exactly what I wanted. Donny had it really hard during my pregnancy too. He had to work all day, then come home and cook, clean and bath Lane. It was all I could do to feed Lane and keep him from hurting himself. He rolled around on me on the couch a lot. I was sick forever and when that finally got better I was just huge and miserable and unable to do much. I started feeling contractions pretty early. I had been cramping a lot one week so on Thursday I decided I would just run by my Dr.'s office to tell him about it. I told the nurse and she said she thought I should go get checked out at the L&D. ( I had been there previously while having contractions and was given meds to take in case I had them more) I went and I was contracting more than I thought. They ended up keeping me a while and having me hooked up on monitors and I went into labor!!! I was 34 weeks and scared to death! My Dr. told me he would do everything he could to stop it. They were pumping all kinds of things in me and I was throwing up over and over. Everything made me puke. It was horrible. I was on all types of drugs and was in and out of it. Late in the night/early in the morning the Dr. decided that the babies were coming and I needed to be shipped to a hospital more capable of caring for premature babies. So I had to ride in an ambulance to UAMS. I never want to ride in an ambulance again, that is all I will say about that! My experience at UAMS was not a pleasant one. I never want to go there again. Labor ended up stopping by the time I got there. I am so thankful to Dr. Hurt for all he did. UAMS kept me for a week. They had to stop labor one more time. I was showing all the signs of preclamsia without the high blood pressure. They were really concerned about my liver, it wasn't functioning properly or something. Donny had to sleep in the van for a week, it was horrible for him too but he wanted to be there in case the babies came. They just kept keeping me and to me it was torture. I missed Lane so badly and the room I was in was shared, it was just awful. If you visited me you know how bad it was. My mom ended up getting in touch with my Dr. and he said he saw no need in me having to stay there. They were just planning on keeping me until the babies came. After a week of staying there we told them we wanted to leave. Of course they didn't want us to but we told them we were no matter what and we got to go eventually. I was so happy to see my sweet Lane when we got home. I missed him so much! That is the longest I have been without him and it was awful. I cried myself to sleep every night. Donny was so wonderful and my mom came and visited a lot. She took care of Lane and I know that wasn't easy. He was missing me and his daddy. I stayed on bed rest for another week, besides my daily visits to the L&D for stress tests. Then my blood pressure went up a bit and the Dr. decided it was time. I had all the other signs of preclamsia for 2 weeks by then but my blood pressure was always good so the first sign of a rise and he was ready for them to be born. On December 3, 2008 Lexi Nicole White and Lucas Gene White were born! It was a repeat c-section, my mom and Donny were in there, same as with Lane. Lexi was born first weighing 5.5lbs, 18 inches long. She had a loud cry. I thought to myself, YAY she has healthy lungs! ( little did I know....) Dr. said that we didn't have time to see her bc the baby boy had to come out right away. Lucas was then born weighing 6.1 lbs, 19 inches long. He had a smaller cry. After I heard them both cry I felt everything was ok and relaxed a bit. Donny and my mom say that they brought Lexi in for me to see soon after but I never saw her and I don't remember at all. They said I looked right at her but I don't recall. Off to recovery I went. I was in and out of it but I kept asking about my babies. The nurse in there didn't know anything of course. Finally I got to go into my own room. They had to wheel me in the bed past the nursery so I tried to catch a glimpse of my babies. They had these big hood things over their heads for oxygen. I couldn't see them very well at all. When I got into my room I was asking when I could see the babies. I was told that they were worried that Lucas had something wrong with his lungs. They later said his lungs were ok and he got to come into the room with me some. He was so sweet. Nobody was really telling me anything about Lexi. Of course I was worried. My mom told me she was breathing hard and they couldn't get her to eat. It wasn't until the next day that we were told she had a whole in her lung and she wasn't eating at all. They had tried everything they could to get an IV in her but none of them could. She had my awful veins. Her Dr. decided she needed to be medflighted to Children's Hospital of Little Rock. I was devastated. I wanted my baby! I wanted what was best for her though. I wanted her to be healthy. They let me go into the nursery and touch her for the first time before they took her. She was so sweet and tiny laying there. I rubbed her leg and told her how much we all loved her. I told her she was going to be ok. I prayed she would be ok. Donny brought Lucas in there so they could be close. She still had the hood over her so he couldn't get to close. I was taken back to my room and the medflight ppl came. They got a vein in her scalp to put the IV in. I was warned of this beforehand so when they let me see her it wouldn't be such a shock. They wheeled my little angel in in the clear box-thing with an IV in her tiny head, it was so sad. I had told myself I'd be strong though. We all told her how special she was and how much we loved her and she was taken away on her first helicopter ride, hopefully her last in those type of circumstances. I felt like a piece of my heart was ripped from me. I was so thankful that Lucas was still with me though. He was doing good. He was so sweet too. He grunted continously. Donny decided he would go with Lexi. That was awful to me too. Nothing was what we had planned. We were suppose to all be together. I was glad he could go be with her though. He took care of everything for her. He was there for her when I couldn't be. My mom stayed and took care of Lucas and me. She helped me a lot. We prayed for Lexi and called Donny every chance we could. We had another little baby to take care of though, Lucas. I will say I am glad that I had him with me. It helped me not to think about her not being there. I just concentrated on him. We were released on Friday afternoon. those first few days of Lexi's life and Donny missed Lucas'. That has always made me sad. I am glad that they each had one of us though. My parents, Lucas and I made the trip to see Lexi the next day. Donny was so happy to see us and especially to see Lucas. He was thrilled that I was finally going to be able to see my baby girl too. I could just see how happy he was for me. I really love him, if I haven't said that already. We were told 2 could go back at a time. Donny said that my mom and I could go. It was so strange walking into the room full of babies and not knowing which one was mine. That was really devasting to me. I just felt like I should know. I had to ask a nurse and was directed to this little beauty. We couldn't see much of her face or anything bc she had goggles on and tubes everywhere. She had already gotten off a lot of the things though. No longer was she was a breathing machine, Donny told me I was lucky not to have to see her like that, I agree. She was so sweet. We took Lucas back with us to be close to her. They say twins have a special connection and I believe it. We couldn't do anything but touch her and talk to her. I wanted to hold my baby so bad. She was 4 days old and had never been held by anyone besides nurses and doctors. I was afraid she wouldn't love me and feel connected to me. I was wrong, she is very much a mommy's girl. Donny continued to stay with her everyday. He wanted to make sure she knew she was loved. He is wonderful, right? He would run home for a few hours between visiting times and see the boys and me. My mom took care of us. She was awesome. We missed Donny but wanted him to be there for Lexi too. Finally they said I could hold her. I was so afraid I'd mess up one of her tubes so I wanted Donny to first but he said "No you are her Momma she needs you." I am glad he did. I held my little angel as if she would break. Alarms would beep and scare me and I'd yell at a nurse everytime. Every day she was doing better and better. She had so many ppl praying for her. When she was able to drink bottles Donny made sure he was there to feed her for every feeding. I was still at mom's recovering from the c-section and trying to help mom with the boys. I went when I could. Donny took care of her though and I knew she was in good hands with him. She got to come home that next Friday, so she was there for 8 days. A baby that couldn't breath on her own, or eat was called a healthy baby in 8 days, isn't God good? So that is my story. We have three beautiful healthy children when once we were told we may not have any. The Lord has truly blessed us. It is hectic and wild at times but it is always wonderful and rewarding.
Lane over 3 yr. old now and a wonderful big brother. He is finally potty trained, for the most part. He has a wonderful imagination, still has the temper but he can melt your heart with sweetness too.
Lexi is over 6 months old, beautiful, a momma's girl, she has a big cheesey smile that is so big it makes her eyes dissapear. She has 3 teeth broken through, she loves playing with Lucas and watching Lane play. She loves her Daddy to pieces, she is haapy if she is being held.
Lucas is a happy baby. He has big dimples on his cheeks and one in his chin too. He also has 3 teeth broken through. He loves to chase Lane in his walker. He loves getting kisses. He is almost crawling.
God has blessed me more than I ever expected. I believe we are finished having children now, unless God has other plans. Donny says he'd like more but is happy with our 3 as am I. I am so thankful God allowed me to experience the wonderful world of motherhood. I do think of our first baby often but I understand what it's purpose was at the same time. None of my children will ever wonder if they are loved or wanted. They are kissed and hugged a lot. We tell them we love them every chance we get. We are not perfect by far but we are happy and thankful for all God has given us.