Give me a smile

Do you SEE what I have to work with? In their defense, while taking the first one up there I told them if they didn't smile they wouldn't get any presents for Christmas. Yep I did. So what I got was the "Home Alone" scared faced from Lexi, a terrified looking smile from Lane, and a huge laugh from Lucas because he has already figured out that Momma is a total softy and doesn't mean half of what she says and he will always win me over with that smile.....Yep he's right. I asked for a hug in the 3rd one and Lexi just went with it. We did end up with a picture that was suitable to send my grandma and I went with it. While I love the craziness that is them, grandma just doesn't seem to appreciate the stuck out tongue as much as I do, poor grandma.
I had a lot more fun trying to get a good picture this year than years past. I have realized the older they get the easier it is, for the most part. Lucas still hates having his picture taken at all, Lexi now thinks she is a model and gives me crazy faces or fake cheesy smiles, but Lane does pretty good. He lost his first tooth a couple of days after I took these and looks oh so cute now, kinda wish that was in the Christmas picture as a memory but it's ok I have taken plenty of pictures of it already.
We are now in the stages of fighting over every toy they own, EVERY time I turn my back or go to the bathroom someone hits someone, takes a toy from someone or is just looking at them wrong. True story- today while I snuck away for a bathroom break I heard, "Why are you looking at me............Lucas I said why are you looking at me? Stop. I am going to tell Momma!" Yep apparently it is now a no no to look at each other. So of course hearing this I start laughing and give my hiding spot away......... These are the things you have to laugh at and remind yourself that it will only be like this for a short time. It is definitely worth it, all of it.
Just when you start to worry that they can no longer stand each other and will hate each other forever something seems to happen to show you otherwise. For example, last night after being put to bed both boys decided they HAD to potty ONE more time. Lane ended up in the master bathroom and Lucas in the front, Lexi was in bed. Lexi is yelling "MOMMA I gotta tell you sumtin'!" for the 439,689 time so I am walking to her room when we hear Lucas screaming. For some reason he decided he needed to lift the seat on the potty to sit down to go................I have no idea why..............but yea he fell in.............and Donny and I laughed hysterically. Poor Lucas was very upset but Donny and I just could not stop laughing. Don't judge, he was fine and it was funny. What made it even funnier is when big brother Lane came running to the rescue trying to get his pants up as fast as he can, with a look of terror on his face asking, "what's wrong, what's wrong with Lucas?" Then a little prissy girl jumps out of bed and comes running, "what happened to my brudder Lucas?" They were so concerned for the screaming Lucas and Donny and I got looks of "and your suppose to be the ones taking care of us?" thrown in there but we just laughed and I smiled because that little moment showed me the love they truly have for one another. Even though they fuss and fight and act like crazy people sometimes, they love one another and want to protect each other, and get mad at their crazy laughing parents.

Happy Birthday little ones

Not long ago I had three children under the age of three. I remember it very well, it was crazy, it was hard, but it was worth it. Saturday the BABIES turned 3 years old. The babies is what I will call them for the rest of their lives probably. They will always be my babies. So now I have a 5 year old and two 3 year olds, which is just crazy to think about. My children are growing up way to fast. It really does fly by. The first few months of no sleep, spit up covered clothing and way to many diapers to count is now but a blur.
Lucas is my most independent child, even more so than his big brother. I hear "I do it myself!" all day from him. He is his Daddy's mini-me and I love that. I love his little sweet face that is so so babyish to me. I love those blue eyes that light up when he talks about "Tinman" from The Wizard of Oz. I love that smile and the way he sticks his tongue out while he is working on something. He is my youngest, my baby and even though he is the most independent one he is also likes to play his role as the baby. He loves sharing a room with his big brother and if big brother is gone to Nana's or Meme's house for the night he has to sleep in Lane's bed. He loves hugs and kisses. He will tell you if he wants you to kiss him or if he wants to be the one to kiss you. There IS a difference to him. If he is going to be the kisser you can NOT pucker your lips out because that means you kissed him, lol. I love that. Lucas is rough and wild. We are so thankful for our baby boy and all of his craziness.
Lexi is my girlie girl. She is sassy, can have an attitude, but can be sweet as candy too. She loves her brothers but has figured out how to take care of herself and doesn't take anything off the boys! She loves to have her hair fixed and to wear pretty dresses. Lexi is shy when you first meet her, hiding behind my legs but once you are around her a while she loves showing off. She loves big squeezing hugs and kisses. Lexi loves for me to hold her, she would sit on my lap all day if I would let her. School time is her favorite part of the day. She loves hearing me teach and drawing pictures. She is motherly when she isn't fighting with the boys. She will rub Lucas' head when he is sleepy. She wants a sister so badly and asks for one all the time. She loves her brothers but wants someone that will play something other than dinosaurs, even though she does enjoy playing dinosaurs. She is our Princess and we are so thankful for her.
They are growing up so fast and I want to try to enjoy it all. I get caught up in all of the household things that have to be done and forget to sit and enjoy sometimes. I am happiest when I am sitting and watching them play nicely together, hearing their little stories they come up with for each dinosaur or barbie. Seeing them chase each other running from some invisible monster or a big brother with a blanket on his head. These are the things that I love most.

Happy Thanksgiving- yes it's late but it's me

Yes I am a blogging slacker who only blogs occasionally. I know this. But I always have cute pics when I blog, that makes up for it, right? Yea okay. We learned about Pilgrims and Indians right before and right after Thanksgiving. Here are two of my little Indians, the third one was crying on the couch over glue, yep glue. I was planning on teaching it all before but we had a horrible stomach virus sweep in the week of Thanksgiving so it didn't happen. Yes I was sick ON THANKSGIVING, that is just sad. I ate a grilled cheese for my Thanksgiving lunch. A. GRILLED. CHEESE. The kids were mostly better by then so my awesome mother in law agreed to risk getting the horrible horrible stomach virus (so thankful for that) and took them to her house that evening so they didn't have to see me so very sick and so that Donny could take care of me.
So back to the learning- I taught about the Pilgrims. About how they left their country because they weren't allowed to worship God, pray and read their Bible how they wanted. (I was teaching a 5 yr old and two 2 yr olds so it was pretty basic) My 5 yr old stops me and ASKS if he can say a prayer. Yes my jaw dropped. I didn't even think he was truly listening to me. His prayer, "Jesus thank you that we can pray, read our Bible and go to church. And thank you for Jesus dying on the cross! Jesus name Amen!" I had tears in my eyes. That right there made it all worth it. All of the fights to get him to do schoolwork and feeling like I was beating my head against a brick wall. All of the days when that school directly across the street from my house looked so good because homeschooling IS hard work. It is not all rainbows and butterflies. Getting to teach my child about Jesus Christ, how people love Him, how we should love Him is worth it all and so very priceless. One thing I am very thankful for is being able to homeschool my children and teach them the things that are important to our family.

Here I go again........

I love this man. Sure we have our ups and downs, our arguments, our grumpy times but I love him to pieces. He is a great loving man that loves me at my worst. Right now I am at the highest weight of my life. I hate it. I hate looking like this and feeling like this. It just plain stinks! So here I go again on a weight loss journey. I am going to attempt Weight Watchers again. I don't go to their meetings or anything, I just do it on my own. I do believe the meetings would help but I am so shy and so busy. I just don't have the time or the nerve. I tried this a few months ago and failed miserably. I lost 13 lbs and then stopped. Those sweets were just calling my name. I got sick of eating a different meal than my family. I just didn't have the will power. I am praying this time that I will. I am so unhappy with myself.
I broke down to Donny yesterday. Told him how I feel. He was so sweet. I told him that it makes me sick to look in the mirror. I don't even feel like it is me I am seeing but sadly it is. I don't want to see that person any more. I told him that I feel like such a failure and have no idea how I have let it get this out of hand. His reply, "You take care of everyone else but yourself. " Bingo and just another reason I love him. That is the truth. I have to make time out for myself to work out. Have to not want to. If I keep going like this I feel like I will die at a very young age. While I can't wait to meet sweet Jesus one day, I do not want to leave my husband or precious children right now. I want to raise my children. I want to be active in their lives. I don't want to be on the side lines with my bad knee and big belly. I want to be up doing right along with them.
When your 5 yr old starts worrying about getting a big belly and you ask why then he tells you it's because you have a big belly, it hurts. "I don't want a big belly like you Momma!" That just plain hurts. He doesn't mean anything by it. It is just the truth. I don't want it either son. So here I am, eating a banana instead of the chocolate chips I really want. Praying that this time I will change my lifestyle forever and get thin and healthy.

Think before you judge

I can remember before Donny and I seeing kids acting out in public before we had kids and us judging, saying "No way will MY child ever act that way!" "That kid needs a good spanking!" "Look at those parents, it's obviously all their fault!" Oh how we have ate those words. The truth is some children are just different. Some children a spanking will not help. Some parents do everything possible and feel like failures when their child behaves those bad ways, even if they know it is truly not their fault. They love their child more than anything on Earth and you thinking those bad thoughts and giving those bad looks don't help. They hurt. They hurt the child and the parent. This is Lane. Our 5 yr old that has a heart of gold. Our cuddle bug, our "Momma I love to the letter O", sweet, sweet boy. Lane looks like a normal 5 yr old boy, maybe a bit big for his age but he's not. It is hard for a parent to admit that, very hard. You just want your child to be like other kids "normal" but with tears in my eyes, I admit that he is not.
Lane is learning to read, write, and is very smart. He loves animals and can tell you many facts about different animals. He has a better sense of direction than me. Lane is full of love and we love him deeply.
We have had him checked out for autism, the doctor said no way. We thought ADHD but that didn't quite fit. A friend pointed me in the direction of Sensory Processing Disorder and I am thinking this may be it. It is not a well known thing really so it can be hard to diagnose, not that I am really worried about a diagnosis. I just want to help him. I just want him to be happy with life and with himself. I just don't want to feel like we are hitting a wall so often. So I am researching and trying to find ways to help him and us. I don't even know why I am writing this. I just thought maybe it would make others think before labeling a child "bad." Lane is not bad. He just can not handle his emotions or calm himself down. He is not acting out because it feels good, because believe me it doesn't. He hates it. He hates that he gets so angry over little things, or that he freaks out over a little dot on his finger nail, that is not fun. He is not trying to be mean. He doesn't want to make you mad. He isn't going against you. He just can't handle it. I know people without children or even some with those easy children may still not understand but maybe they will think about it. Maybe they won't judge him or our parenting. Maybe when they see him crying hysterically over small, simple things they won't turn their noses up at him and you and wonder "why don't they just spank him?" You could spank him until he couldn't walk and all you would accomplish was 1. making him more upset 2. making him feel worse about himself. Because he already does feel bad about himself. He now notices that he is different. He notices that the other kids can do things he can not. He notices that the other adults aren't as nice to him as they may be to other kids. He is not ignorant by any means. He knows all of this and he hates it. He hates that he can't just be like the other kids, he hates that he is different. He doesn't want to be this way. He doesn't enjoy the other kids making fun of him or always leaving him out. He hates it.
It as easy as his parents to get frustrated too. Believe me. We are FAR from perfect. Sometimes you just want to go and do things and not have to worry about all of those silly little things but you have to. You avoid going places because you don't want people to treat him badly. You miss birthday parties that he's invited to because you know the kids will be mean to him because he is different. You only have a few select friends that you know will understand and not think he's awful or that you are an awful parent for that matter. Your heart breaks when your child tries something and says "I can't do it. I can never do it Mom," and hangs their sweet little head in shame. You try to give them encouragement and love. You want them to learn to do things the right way but sometimes you let them do it their way just so you don't make them lose all confidence once again. I'm saying it's hard. You homeschool. You homeschool because you don't want them to go into their school life labeled as a "bad kid" just because they are so different. You know they are fully capable of learning, even if it's in a little different way. You have seen how people treat them, adults included. You don't want them to get all of that negativity when they are already so fragile. Nobody understands, very few do anyways. You feel like your little family is alone in this world. It's hard but you love your child unconditionally and want to do what is best for them, even though sometimes you don't know what is best. Do you sign them up for soccer just for them to have fun with it, even though they have no idea how to play? Or do you not because he may make another parent angry with his lack of skill and knowledge? Do you let him go the swimming party when all of the other kids can swim but he still holds on to you in fear? Or do you keep him home so he won't feel like a failure once again when the other kids laugh and tease, or even the adults? What do you do? We don't always know. You get mean looks, you get rude comments, you get frustrated yourself but you love. You love unconditionally. You hug, you kiss, you say "it's ok try again." Do you tell people of his issues or do you throw him into situations and pray he does ok and gets by? Will people think you are just exaggerating when you tell them things and that he really doesn't have a problem, he's just a brat or will people be caring and understanding of his limitations? We don't have all of the answers. We fail, get up and try again. We love him and know how great he is, we just want others to be able to see that too.

Treasuring the little moments

The other day I was rushing to get ready. I don't remember where we were going but I was in a hurry, as always. The kids were running wild, Donny was at work. I gave the kids a snack, turned on Wild Krafts (Lane's favorite show right now) and got busy. As I begin to put my make up on my sweet 2 year old daughter walks into the bathroom with a big smile on her face. "What choo doooin' Momma?" Her favorite question. I huff out a, "Momma's trying to get ready." "I get ready with choo Momma," she says in the cute way she always over animates things. As I am about to say, Why don' t you go play with the boys? I look down and see that sweet smile. That smile that she gives to me so freely. The one that shows how much love she has in her heart. I can see it in that smile. So instead I say, "Yes we can get get ready together." I get a little jump and clap out of her, it is so easy to make her happy.
As I put on my make-up and brush the powder brush over her face, all the while telling her that she is beautiful and doesn't need make-up (like she is listening to that), I think to myself about how I almost missed spending this precious moment with my precious daughter. I think about how before long she will have her own routine to get ready and not want to be bothered by me, the mother that she is staring at so adoringly now. Not to long ago she was a 5 lb 5 oz baby that couldn't breathe on her own, couldn't eat on her own and had all types of tubes and wires hooked up to her and look at her now. She's a beautiful, spunky 2 1/2 year old that wants to take care of her Baby (her twin brother Lucas). She wants to make sure he eats and his nose is wiped and his needs are taken care of always. She is growing up to fast. She can carry on a conversation with me and I understand about 95% of it, most of the time. She is our girl, the only one we will probably ever have. She is the sugar and spice mixed in with our snips and snails. She wants to kiss the boy's boo-boos just like Momma and Momma's kisses still heal all of her boo-boos. As I see my children growing up so fast I am trying to watch them more closely because I want to remember the sweet little things they do. I want to remember the looks of awe on their faces over the small things their dad or I do. I want to remember them loving each other, fighting with each other and just being kids. I want to embrace these little moments like I had the other day with my sweet girl because they are precious. I am so thankful to be a Mom and I need to make sure my children know that.

I HATE DIETING!!!

Here I am in all of my fat glory. UGH! I am trying to lose this weight. I want to look like I did when Donny and I got married, that's my dream. We shall see....... I am doing Weight Watchers. I can't go to the meetings or anything, don't have the time but I have the books and am trying to do on my own. I did it once before in between my first pregnancy, that I lost and my pregnancy with Lane and the weight just fell off. I lost 5 lbs a week for the first 25 lbs and soon after that I was pregnant again so I had to stop. I am not losing that fast this time around. I do have a thyroid problem and am on medication for it. I have heard that makes it harder but I don't know.
I hate my weight. It is a constant thing on my mind. I worry about it all the time. I barely have any clothes because who wants to shop for clothes when you think everything looks horrible? Not me! I wish I could blame my pregnancy with the twins, even though it's been over 2 years now but I can't. I lost all of the weight I had gained with them, fast after having them. I only have myself to blame and that is depressing.
Don't worry I don't say negative things about myself in front of the kids, EVER. They don't even know what the word fat means. I don't want to get those thoughts in their little heads yet. I don't want them to know how badly their mom's self image of herself is at this point. They think I'm beautiful, and tell me :) No pressure from Donny either, he tells me I'm beautiful. I just hate the way I look. I hate looking in a mirror. I have even stopped smiling in pictures because I hate how fat my face looks when I smile, see above pic. So I am on this weight loss journey once again.
I want to be healthier for myself and my family. I have 3 little people that depend on me and need me around for a long time. I owe it to them to try to get myself healthy. I am trying. It is so easy to eat all through out the day while I am at home. I LOVE food. LOVE IT!! I am trying not to. I just want to think of food as something my body has to have to live, not something I absolutely LOVE. It's hard for me but I am trying.

Doing what's best for us

We have decided to home school. You are not talking me out of it, so no reason to try. We have had mixed reactions when we tell people. A lot of people think it's stupid and we are nuts, that's ok it's not you or your children. I have always thought homeschooling was a great thing so I never understood why parents of homeschoolers could be so defensive. Now I do......... Some people are just plain rude and think your nuts and want you to know it. I have already encountered this and I just started! I have also encountered positive things. Like my mother in law speaking up when someone asked about Lane starting school this year. Lane turned 5 in April so it's still new to him and he is proud to finally be 5, so he tells everyone he meets. He is my child that meets no stranger. So naturally people's reply is usually, "You will get to go to school this year. Are you excited?" "My Momma does my school at home," is always his reply, and I never know what to say. I know it should be easy but I'd just rather avoid it sometimes because I am new to it and don't want to hear the criticism I may hear. Although when I hear that negativity I wish I could just say,"Your not going to change my mind so just hush!" This time I didn't have to say a thing. My mother in law jumped in, "Yes he is already in school and he is doing a great job. His mom is homeschooling him and it's going great." I could have cried and then kissed her. It felt good, really good for someone else to say that and make me feel like we are doing the right thing, even though Donny and I truly believe we are and aren't changing it. I have prayed about this a lot, Donny and I have talked about it and we believe this is the best thing for our family. It is so rewarding teaching them and seeing them learn new things. I love having all of my children here with me all of the time, even if sometimes they drive me nuts, ok a lot of times. I love the relationships they are forming with each other, it is truly a beautiful thing. I love that my 5 year old is so sweet and innocent, I know it won't stay like this forever but it will for a while longer. I love that he didn't even know what the word FAT meant while learning it with Hooked On Phonics. Yep my children are sheltered, but we want to raise them a certain way and it's not the way of the world. My children are far from perfect but I love them and want what is best for THEM. We are doing what we believe is the right thing for our family and we are happy to do it. God has lent us these precious gifts and we are going to cherish them.

Snips, snails and PUPPY DOG tails

Yep we got a dog, again. We got a dog almost a year ago, I think and it just didn't work out. He was not house trained at all. I tried, I really did but I didn't succeed. He always bit a lot and the kids were still so little that they were becoming afraid of him. I know puppies bite so obviously I hadn't thought it through, it was a spur of the moment type thing. That dog now lives with my parents out in the country and is very spoiled and happy! I am glad we didn't keep him because he turned out to be a HUGE dog and he wouldn't have enough room in our back yard to play.
Well since then my mother in law has become involved with fostering dogs and finding them homes. My kids love dogs, Lucas especially. So I decided we were finally ready for a dog now. I wanted a small dog that didn't shed but Donny didn't want a "girlie" dog and I didn't want him hating the dog. We talked about it and I asked him what type of dog HE would like. "I think I'd like a basset hound. They don't get to huge and they are manly dogs." Ok so a basset hound, I thought, where on Earth will I find one of those? I don't think I had ever even seen one in person. My mother in law comes to visit the next day and I tell her what Donny said, she smiles and says, "You've seen my new dog right?" Then shows me a picture on her cell of an adorable basset hound puppy. FATE? I don't know but it is funny to me. We went to visit the next week and saw this adorable little guy. Donny fell in love, the kids fell in love, I fell in love but wanted him to stay a little longer with Nana to be house trained a little better but Donny was so happy with him I agreed to bring him home with us that day. He has had a few accidents, one being last night, getting the end of OUR sheets on the floor and peeing on them, yep that didn't make me to happy but overall he's doing ok. The kids are in love. Lucas won't stay off of the poor thing. The puppy does do the little puppy biting but we are working on that and it doesn't make the kids terrified of him like it did the other dog, since they are older now. So meet our new family member BUSTER. I call him Buster Brown, Donny calls him Busta Rhymes. Yea we are goofy like that. I will admit that sometimes I regret getting him, just because of the extra responsibility but it is worth it because he makes the kids so happy. If you are looking for a dog adopt! We have got our best dogs that way and those dogs need homes the most.

Oh my oh my Lane is 5!

I love this child. I wanted him for so long. I prayed for him. I cried for him and now he is 5! I can't believe it. I had a hard pregnancy with this little red headed sweetie. There was a cyst growing in there right along side him and it was getting to be so big the Dr. was talking surgery while I was pregnant. This terrified me! After losing one baby I was so afraid of losing another. I prayed non-stop. I had others praying. There was a time window for me to have the surgery and it be the most safe and the Dr. was just sure I would have to have the surgery, but wouldn't ya know when I went back for that final ultrasound before the surgery that big ol' cyst had shrunk down to barely nothing. The Dr. couldn't believe it! I however could most certainly believe it. It was a blessing from God and I knew it! Then again during delivery I got another scare, I was induced due to high blood pressure and Lane's heartbeat was dropping drastically with every contraction, so I had a c-section to get him out as soon as possible and again he was fine. I remember laying there and hearing his beautiful, LOUD cry for the first time, it was priceless. The Dr. held him up and I could see all this red fuzzy hair and red mad face, I couldn't help but laugh :) He had a temper even then, little stinker. He looked as if he already had his 2 bottom teeth, he didn't it was just the tooth buds up to the surface or something, they went back down. I was determined to breastfeed so when they couldn't calm my screaming little sweetie down they brought him back to me while I was still in the recovery room. They said it was against the rules but they just couldn't get him to calm and he was going crazy. I didn't mind, I was doped up and hurting but right when they put that beautiful little miracle in my arms I felt only joy. He stopped crying and was happy snuggled up to me. He still loves to snuggle up to me, loves hugs and kisses and to tell me how he REALLY REALLY loves me. This boy has a heart of gold. He is not perfect, we still have fits and some arguing with his brother and sister but he has such a sweet, good, heart. I love him so much and am so thankful for him. He loves people and never meets a stranger. We joke while grocery shopping that he should get paid for being the greeter because he has to say hi to everyone. I pray he never loses his joy for life, his sweetness, the wonderful things that make him Lane, our precious Lane. We have decided to homeschool him, I think this will help. I want him to stay innocent as long as possible. He is full of love and I want him to stay that way. I can't believe our big boy is 5 yrs old. It has been a wild ride, full of plenty of ups and downs but here we are and we wouldn't have it any other way.