Here I go again........

I love this man. Sure we have our ups and downs, our arguments, our grumpy times but I love him to pieces. He is a great loving man that loves me at my worst. Right now I am at the highest weight of my life. I hate it. I hate looking like this and feeling like this. It just plain stinks! So here I go again on a weight loss journey. I am going to attempt Weight Watchers again. I don't go to their meetings or anything, I just do it on my own. I do believe the meetings would help but I am so shy and so busy. I just don't have the time or the nerve. I tried this a few months ago and failed miserably. I lost 13 lbs and then stopped. Those sweets were just calling my name. I got sick of eating a different meal than my family. I just didn't have the will power. I am praying this time that I will. I am so unhappy with myself.
I broke down to Donny yesterday. Told him how I feel. He was so sweet. I told him that it makes me sick to look in the mirror. I don't even feel like it is me I am seeing but sadly it is. I don't want to see that person any more. I told him that I feel like such a failure and have no idea how I have let it get this out of hand. His reply, "You take care of everyone else but yourself. " Bingo and just another reason I love him. That is the truth. I have to make time out for myself to work out. Have to not want to. If I keep going like this I feel like I will die at a very young age. While I can't wait to meet sweet Jesus one day, I do not want to leave my husband or precious children right now. I want to raise my children. I want to be active in their lives. I don't want to be on the side lines with my bad knee and big belly. I want to be up doing right along with them.
When your 5 yr old starts worrying about getting a big belly and you ask why then he tells you it's because you have a big belly, it hurts. "I don't want a big belly like you Momma!" That just plain hurts. He doesn't mean anything by it. It is just the truth. I don't want it either son. So here I am, eating a banana instead of the chocolate chips I really want. Praying that this time I will change my lifestyle forever and get thin and healthy.