Built in Momma's Voice.

I love you for you. I wanted you for so long. I prayed for you everyday. I prayed to God for my very own baby and that is what he gave me. You are are an original and not a copy. Some may think that is bad but that is what makes you who you are and I love that person very much. You are the first little baby I had seen that growled at people to greet them and then laughed because you thought you had scared them. You know what you want and go for it. Never stop that. Don't let people or the world get you down baby, because you are special. You are loved. You are one of a kind and that is a very good thing. You dance to your own beat and have fun doing it. I will do my best to help you with anything you need. No matter what you know God, Momma, and Daddy ALWAYS love you. You are a precious gift that God has given us to take care of for him. I will do my best and hope not to fail Him or you.

I made a mistake. You know that voice that you get in your head, no in your heart when you become a Mom? The way you always knows what is best for your child? The way you can always tell when your child is getting sick before anyone else can. I can't tell you how many times I have taken Lane to the dr. and been told he is fine and then a few days later him be sick as a dog. Moms just know what is going on with their children usually. Mom's know what is best. I was stupid and ignored that voice and feel horrible about it.

Lane is no longer in school. He loved going so much but it just wasn't working out. He had only been to school for 8 days which were broken up throughout 4 weeks and they say that he is to hard to handle. He gets to excited and is to big (he can hurt the other kids easily without really trying just bc he is excited), he doesn't sit still, he doesn't stay in the proper play centers....and so on. The fact that he is THREE years old could have something to do with most of those things, but hey what do I know?
I am not stupid, I admit Lane is different from others in some ways. He is very passionate about things. When he is angry he is very angry but you can calm him down if you take the time and try. When he is happy he is really happy, but I don't think that is a bad thing. I love my child and I think he's great. I have learned that I am his mother though and I love him no matter what, others not so much. He may have ADHD or something like that, I don't know. I DO know that I would not medicate my child at 3 yrs old anyways and I know that he can be worked with and he can mind. But it is ok.
He will be ok. He went into this so happy and wanting to go to school all the time. He LOVED it. That is one reason why I kept sending him and trying for him. He got the new backpack, a lunch box, new school clothes, we paid the $200 for tuition and supplies, that is not counting the monthly payment that was paid. After 5 days of school he was sent home and I am told that he makes the teacher and her assistants day very long and hard when he is there. (thanks that makes a mother feel wonderful) To me that sounds like "your child makes our life miserable and we would prefer him not to be there." I was told he requires to much one on one time, which yes he does require one on one time. He doesn't know about staying in certain areas and such. He has been at home with his momma since the day he was born. An entire 9 months of his life he was being taken care of by a momma that could barely do anything because she was pregnant with twins and could only do the most necessary things. So yea my kid may not know how to act in a "structured" setting but I think it takes more than 5 days for him to learn. It was just one thing after another. I could see that he wasn't really wanted there and that hurt me.
When I took him to school one day and he hid behind me, something my child has never done, I thought that was very strange. (Another time I didn't listen to my built in momma voice) I soon realized he was afraid of the one that was in charge at that moment. My child has never been afraid of anybody in his life. YES we are the ones you have seen in Wal-mart with the red-headed little boy that goes up to every stranger and yells," HI I'M LANE!" I was told that my child doesn't like to be touched. My CHILD? The one that tries to hug complete strangers and even offers them sugars? That is not my child. Now if you are trying to "guide" him to a place my his shoulders ( my husband saw that and figured out that is what they were talking about) that he does not want to go he will jerk away, he is 3, is that not normal? I was then told that he is stubborn and has a mind of his own. He is very stubborn, I know that and THANK GOD that he has a mind of his own. Do we really want robots? I don't. Sure I could stand for him to be a little easier at times but we work towards that. I thought sending him to preschool would help with that. That he would learn things to help with that. Instead I felt like he just got left behind, I felt like he was just to much of a bother.
I have seen other children being dropped off by their parents and watched them cry for their mommas and get comforted.........so why when my child does it after less than a minute I hear the assistant telling him if he doesn't stop he will be sent to the principal's office? What a great way to start out the day for him. I shocked her that day when I marched my mad self right back in there and got him myself and said no if he was going to cry we could go home. I was in the hallway and she didn't know. She told me that he had been crying the "WHOLE time" since I left, what the whole time it took for me to walk out to my van and back bc I realized I had forgot to leave his backpack, that is CRAP. Sorry it is. I did not make her look like she was wrong to him though. I let him know he needed to stay and if he went home he was not going to play he was going to take a nap bc he was obviously still tired. Now I think I was wrong of me, I should have just took my baby home then and told that lady to shove it! But I didn't. I should have listened to my mommy voice and realized there was a reason he didn't want left in there when at first he was running to his seat and telling me "BYE MOMMA WOVE YOU! BYE BYE" (as in LEAVE already!) His teacher came in and he calmed down and stayed. I worried about him all day after that though.
So yesterday I am asked if he can start just coming from 10:30-2:45. Really? Do you think that would make it better bc I do not. Personally I think that would have made it 10x's worse! He will be more excited by that time and more hyped up about being there. I was however given the compliment that after he finally falls asleep he takes a great nap, geez what I always hoped for my son can nap great! So I thought about this new schedule for him and then realized that most of the time he would be eating lunch and taking a nap at school. Do I really need to pay for him to go and eat and sleep at preschool? That is not what I am wanting him to get out of it, how to eat with other children and nap. Oh wait he is already a good napper. So my 3 yr. old is to much for 2 women to handle 3 days a week for 7 hours a day. You would think he was a demon child. He is not however. He can have his moments don't get me wrong but he is actually pretty sweet and very loving.
So finally I am listening to my built in Momma voice. My child is no longer going to go to that place. I saw a change in him after that short time and don't understand it. He is wanting me to hold him continuously now and that is NOT MY CHILD either. I am just loving him and giving him tons of love. I don't know what happened to him and I don't know why the big change but it is very obvious to me and his daddy. It is like he is worried we don't like him or something. That hurts. I feel like I failed him. Donny and I feel like the assistant was trying to "break" him and MAKE him be a certain way, which of course is not easy with MY child. We think it really got to him and that is what the change is about. :( Donny said it perfectly last night, he does not need to be "broken" he needs to be "guided." ( I love that man) I was only trying to do what I thought was best for him. I think I was being selfish in some ways bc I did enjoy the break. Hey it does get hard staying home with a 3 yr old (that has a mind of his own, haha) and 9 month old twins! Going to preschool may still be a good thing for him but not there, obviously. For now he is home with his momma where I know he is being loved. He does need interaction with other kids though and I know this. I need to figure something else out. Truthfully I am afraid of the whole preschool thing now. I don't know what is to come in the future but I do believe I will listen to my built in Momma's voice more now.